SO YOU’RE GETTING OLD, HUH?

What was once exciting is now terribly depressing. Old age looms; the weight of your years bear down on you with the force of a thousand elephants. Wrinkly, saggy, old elephants. You can’t even enjoy the cake because it will go straight to your thighs.

Old age isn’t all bad, though. Sure you have lost your youth, lost many opportunities, but you’ve gained more wine, and a better perspective on life. None of those crazy hormonal thoughts rocketing around, making you look stupid and do stupid things.

Plus with age comes privilege: learn dampen those pretentious young whips who think they’re all that. Speak your mind at the most awkward of times. And have breakfast for dinner because you’re an adult, dammit.